Interesting and deep… I need time to digest this one.
I do know that much of what you said applies to my own situation and a very independent thinker–who often resists me. Maybe I am over invested, or obsessed with learning and education, as he points out LOL Backing off, observing and modeling might be a good place for me right now.
Well, here goes…. I have two boys, ages 21 and 15. Both live at home. The older is married and pays $200 per month to rent a room (utilities included). Both he and his wife work. She is currently taking “on-line” college courses. Neither of them do anything around the house to help with daily chores, etc. The 15 year old has assigned tasks, but NEVER does them unless told to.
Over the years, I assigned responsibilities to them around the home, but my wife would never enforce my rules in my absence. I would come home from work and find that she had done the assignments and would question her as to “why” she would do so? Her reply was: Well it didn’t take but a couple minutes, and he was busy playing, or doing something other than what he had be assigned by me.
My wife and I argued many times over this subject. I told her on numerous occasions that this would create a huge problem in the future if she did not allow them to learn some responsibility. I would come home some times and hear her (32yrs old) arguing with a 5 or 6 year old. Of course when they heard me come in or announce my presence, then all argument stopped. The child she was arguing with is now 21 (married and living at home) He does NOTHING other than play games on a computer which he purchased and some kind of game system. He usually comes home, goes to his room to play games, then after my wife come home from working all day in a medical office (on her feet all day) and cooks supper, she calls him, his wife, and our other son to come get their supper. Of course, after our meal, they (son and wife) and our younger son, go back up stairs to play their games. The dishes get done by either me, my wife, or they don’t get done.
I have been fighting this for nearly 20 years now and feel like I’m reaching the end of my rope. I have gotten so mad, and when I do mention the fact that they do nothing to assist around the home… my wife make excuses for them. I cussed today and used the “f” word on several occasions (Which really gets under my wife’s skin.) and she continues to argue for them, saying that I shouldn’t get so upset. She cannot see it, but SHE is the reason for the arguments. If she had allowed them to learn responsibility when they were younger, then this problem would not exist in our home. Instead, we now have an adult male living in our home that is not saving any money to get a place of his own, but is totally taking advantage of us and she allows it. If I say anything, I am over reacting and she alone is the loving parent. Obviously… I don’t love our children because I want to enforce a rule of shared responsibility. I have even thought of just leaving this planet and allowing them to continue this crap until the home is lost and she wakes up. Tomorrow is Mother’s day, like all the other Mother’s days – she will not get a card from either of them, unless I go and purchase one. I have not done so, so that perhaps something might click in her lame brain. I love this woman with all my heart, but she is killing me more and more each day, by making excuses for their laziness. If she lost this house, and they had to move to find their own way, then she would never see them again, because they do not respect her, me or any other person of authority.