Hypotheticals and Homeschooling (Crap Happens)

Here’s a simple truth: Worry is not the same as critical thinking.

As with many things, hypotheticals are not bad in and of themselves. It’s why and how we spend time thinking in the hypothetical.

Brad is playing chess. His opponent can do many possible things. One of those things is to come out with a surprise move and win the game. In order to win, Brad has to spend his time in the hypothetical. If he spends his time worrying that his opponent might win, and moves his pieces with that frame of mind, he won’t win, except if he’s lucky. He’ll also be a nervous wreck during the game.

However, if Brad spends his game critically thinking about the possible moves that his opponent can make, and then plans ahead to either counterattack or manage his opponent’s moves, then he has a much higher chance of winning. It’s still a whole lot of hypothetical, just a matter of how he’s going about it.

Now, I’m not saying that our kids are opponents. Far from it. They are on our team. If we are playing soccer on a team, and we have teammates who spend time worrying about how the other team might kick a ball in their face, or that they might score a goal, is that team member supporting the team? Team players thick critically, and help each other. Even team captains. Team captains who worry, and fret, and second guess their choices have a hard time leading their team. Team captains who are bullheaded also have a hard time leading an effective team.

Here’s another simple truth: We will always miss out. We will always get gipped. So will our kids.

It is practically impossible to do everything. The only thing we can do is fully and completely experience the thing we are doing now. I’m typing this email instead of cleaning the house. Later, I’ll be scampering around town fending off my mother from buying everything my children ask for, instead of sitting at the park while they play. And that’s how it is. If I spend that time wondering if it’s the right choice, or thinking how I maybe something else would be “better”, then not only have I lost the thing I didn’t do, but I lost the thing I’m DOING, as well. Either we are fully here and now, or we are doubly screwing ourselves over.

Here’s another simple truth: Playing video games to escape is different than playing video games because it’s a passion.

The kid we imagine who plays video games in his room all day and never talks to his family, he’s in trouble. He’s not in trouble because he’s playing video games. He’s in trouble because he’s disconnected from his family. Because he’s unhappy, escaping. He doesn’t run downstairs to tell his family about all his adventures. He doesn’t enjoy celebrating at holidays or sharing a family outing. He’s hurting. That’s a child who doesn’t need his video games yanked from him. That is a child who seriously needs help emotionally. The family probably also needs help, because these things don’t happen in isolation.

We can worry about this happening, and make it more likely it will happen. Or we can think critically and know that if this does happen, we are willing to stand up and say, “I’m going to do everything I possibly can to help this family heal, including healing myself.” Even in this very difficult situation, all is not hopeless. Except, when we worry, it does seem hopeless. When we think critically, we realize that every situation is manageable.

On the other hand, a kid who plays a lot of video games, but then comes back to his family and friends on a regular basis, and is happy at family gatherings, and likes to have conversations about his adventures. He reads books, and plans, and all the other things kids do when they are enthusiastic about life, then that’s GOOD. This child is healthy and strong. He is loving life, happy, and enthusiastic. Why mess that up with our own worry and neurosis?

Even if this does become a problem because his obsession is so strong, it takes away from his other life pursuits (say, showering, eating, going outside…), there ARE ways to deal with these things. But not if we worry and stress about them. We HAVE to believe that no matter what happens, we are capable and able parents, and we can deal with it. We are also capable and able enough to recognize when things start getting to be truly unhealthy. Because we are critically thinking, not worrying.

I am a hypothetical preparer. I think ahead, plan, prepare for what-ifs. I’m typically good at strategy games and leading and managing personalities. I don’t worry about what’s going to happen. I expect crap to happen, and I’m ready.

Final simple truth: Crap will happen. It will happen a lot. Get used to it. Then, deal with it.

Even Unschoolers Can Get Homeschool Burnout

So where has Tammy been? She’s been doing too many things, that’s what.

This is a serious concern for us homeschoolin’ mamas who, in addition to educating our kids, have a life of our own. I suppose, this problem is true for every mama. However, with homeschooling, it’s even easier to spread ourselves too thin without even realizing we’re doing it.

The reason? We are in total control of our time. We have very few outward “have-tos” that we can blame our stress on. And if you’re at all like me, you like to fill your time with fun, interesting and challenging things, so we don’t have any real indication of when we are “free” and when we are “busy”. It all smooshes together and becomes one big mess of “I should do….”s.

There are so many great things to do in life, it can slowly build up, without even seeing it. One great thing here, another great thing there… before I know it, I have so many great things going on, that it’s impossible to do any of those things without having all the other things hanging over me. It’s also hard to spend any significant time any of those one things without feeling like I’m neglecting so many other things. A lot of great things = stress.

Now, it’s far better than having a life full of yucky things, I admit. But it’s still stressful. Perhaps, even more stressful because I’ve put all these things on myself. I can’t say “no” to opportunities because I made a choice to homeschool specifically to be able to do great things that are otherwise not availalbe to me. I also can’t complain that other people are putting pressure on me, and therefore direct my frustration at someone else.

It snuck up on me, this burn-out. I thought for sure, that it wouldn’t happen to me. I’m not following a curriculum, not beating myself up about making sure the kids learn this or that by the time they are 7.4 years old. But, you know, when a week goes by and I haven’t been able to post to my blog, which is on my top three favorite things to do, and I can’t remember the last time that I’ve let go and just had fun (without feeling simultaneously guilty about all the things I’m not doing), it’s a wake up call that it’s time to simplify. I’m burning myself out in a totally unexpected way – by attempting to do everything I want to do.

But how can I simplify when I don’t want to get rid of anything? I like the things that are happening in my life.

So, fellow busy mamas, what do you do to make sure that you don’t have too much going on? How do you keep your life balanced, full of things that you love, yet not too full?

Putting Problems into Perspective

This morning I’ve been stressed out trying to make a decision. Should we, or shouldn’t we, go to Disneyland?

Pros: We have a Silver Pass, so it’s free to get in. We haven’t been in a few weeks. It’s fun. This week, many kids are still in school. Next week, it’ll be much busier as summer vacation will be starting. The weather is perfect (76 degrees). The kids love the D. I love the D too.

Cons: It takes 1.5 hours to get to Disneyland. Gas prices are high to be driving for 3 hours today. That will be a $40 ride. Also, son, has a class at 3:30, so we’ll have to leave at 2. And that means we’ll have to get the kids up and out the door in the next 1/2 hour. Also, food is expensive at the park, even with our discount.

I really am on the fence on this. Even starting to stress about it. Really wanting to go. Really, really wanting to go. But knowing that the cons will probably win out.

Then, it hit me like a train. We have a damn good life, if on a Thursday morning at the end of May, my biggest problem is deciding whether or not to go to Disneyland.

I’m done stressing now. I’ll save my stress energy for when it really matters. Whatever we do today, it’ll be good.

Perfect Homeschooling, Curriculum Choice, and Regretting Decisions

A new homeschooling mom on our local list had some questions about tutors, curriculum, and generally freaking out because she can’t figure out the perfect way to get started because she’s afraid of regretting her decisions

I responded to her, and I thought I’d pass this along for those of you who are struggling with fear, regret, perfectionism, or self-doubt. Or, if you are interested in being a stronger, more resilient homeschooler, this post might interest you.

Dear “Alysa”,
I have been reading this thread with interest. After your last email, I thought of some things that might relate to your situation:

1) There is no way to make everything perfect. Letting go of that expectation now will go a long way in making life as a homeschooler, and as a parent, less stressful. Also, expecting things to be perfect is a great excuse for not taking any risks and avoiding responsibility. Own your decisions by knowing that every choice has a risk. Even choosing public school.

2) I understand about the idea about not wanting to regret your choices. The best way to not regret your choices is to understand two things: 1) That you ALWAYS have the option to change course. When you make a bad choice (and you will eventually, we all do), it’s not about the result of that choice that makes us who we are, but whether or not we have the resilience to stand up, dust off the dirt, learn from what we did, and move forward. If you know that you can recover from any choice, then making choices is easier, and more empowering. You’re also more likely to make good choices, because they will be made based on your integrity and love of life, not from fear. 2) You can’t possibly know whether a choice is going to be a good one or not until you’ve made it. Doing research is important. And listening to others’ with experience is also important. But in the end, the choice you make is yours to own. Even if other people might wag their finger at you and say “I told you so,” sometimes we have to make certain choices to really understand where to go next. Listen, absorb, then make a choice, and know that you have lots of other options available for you if that choice doesn’t pan out.

3) Tutors and curriculum: It’s obvious you are very very new to homeschooling. I say that because once you get involved in the homeschooling support groups, go to a couple conferences, subscribe to a few magazines, read a few books, and generally get some experience in the HSing world, you’re going to look around and say, “OMG, how can I possibly choose from everything there is to do???” and you’ll probably look back and laugh at yourself that you didn’t know how to get started with tutors/curriculum. Remember, there is NO rush to get started with these things except in your own mind. Wanting to have a handle on exactly who to follow, who to pay, and what path to take is like trying to hold on to the sand on the beach so as not to get swept away by the tide. It’s better to stand up and let the sand be there to make a sandcastle, not to save you. Tutors and curriculum are FINE. Use them, do them, but don’t let them be your master. Don’t rely on them to show you the way or to make you feel less panicky. They won’t. They will only be a baindaid for that fear. The fear doesn’t come from not having these things. Figure out where the fear is REALLY coming from, and the tutors/curriculum/classes and other concrete learning tools will be there for your enjoyment.

It’s totally normal to be hyper when you’re starting out something SO new, an interesting, and BIG, and fun, and scary, and all that. So, enjoy it. Sign up for everything, get really going. Then, when you feel yourself burning out, back out, do less stuff, and relax. Whether you start by relaxing or start by going into overdrive, you’re still doing a great job and learning about your role as a homeschooling parent.

In the end, there are only 3 things that matter for a child in today’s world of technology and global culture:

1) Relationships, relationships, relationships. This trumps everything. All the tutors and curriculum in the world cannot make up for relationship issues in the family. So, when making decisions, always choose to favor strengthening the relationship you have with your child.
2) Love and curiosity about the world. If a child has this, it doesn’t matter how much or what a child learns. A child who is in love with the world, and curious about it will succeed.
3) Knowing where information is. It’s not what you know, but who, where and when you know. If you know where to get info, that is a much more important skill than actually knowing things. In fact, knowing too many facts can give us the false impression that we don’t need to know any more. (This is part of why kids in school often don’t do a lot to study above and beyond what’s taught to them.) It’s important for people to know they don’t know everything, and that it’s not a life requirement to know it all. Having a strong grasp of available resources allows us to let go of feeling like we aren’t good enough because we don’t have all the president’s names and dates memorized like our cousin Sam does.

Good luck to you and enjoy your child. I hope you’ll come to the HSC conference. There you’ll find out more than you ever want or need to know about curriculum, tutors, and other things you can teach with. Until then, relax and enjoy your new life of freedom.

Fearless Homeschooling in Times of Stress

“We are disturbed not by events, but by the views which we take of them.” - Epictetus, 1st century Greek philosopher.

When we think of fearlessness, we often think of daredevils like Evil Knievel or Derek Hersey; people who regularly, and intentionally, put themselves into dangerous situations either for fun or profit.

There are indeed people who like the thrill of danger, but that is not what everyday life fearlessness is about. The kind of fearlessness that we can have in homeschooling and in life, is an acceptance that life is naturally a series of events, some of them “good”, some “bad’, and that we are capable of dealing with the bad things that happen. With this kind of view of life and of homeschooling, we aren’t afraid of events because we are confident in ourselves to take effective and sensible views on these events. Fearlessness is a state of being comfortable with uncertainty, and a knowledge that nothing, no matter how horrible, can destroy us. And if it does destroy us, there is absolutely nothing we can do about it right now, except live the best we can.

It’s OK to be afraid once in a while. But what we are truly afraid of is not that bad things will happen. We KNOW bad things will happen. It’s the way the universe works. The pendulum between good and bad swings back and forth, and also changes as our views of the world changes. What we might consider “good” one day, will turn to be “bad” the next, simply because of changes in our own minds.

No, when we are afraid, we are not afraid of the events. We are afraid of our own lack of personal power to deal with those events. We are afraid of ourselves.

To be fearless, we have to be in a state where we trust ourselves, and we know that if we are presented with stressful events, we can deal with them. We don’t have to convince ourselves that everything will be OK, or that we can even fix anything. It’s a confidence of our own mind, that we have the mental capacity to let go when we need to, and act when we need to. As the saying goes, the only fear is of fear itself.

Becoming fearless is an internal process of self-understanding. It’s an internal process of self-like and self-appreciation. It’s also a process of losing our attachment to thinking that things outside ourselves define who we are.

Accept that:

- things will happen. It’s inevitable. And we won’t like some of those things. We will deal with it when it happens. We will make reasonable precautions to avoid certain kinds of things we don’t want, but sometimes, those precautions won’t work, and that’s just how it is. Having emotions and reactions to things that haven’t happened yet is detrimental to current lives.
- we are capable and smart individuals. Everything we need is inside us.
– we have friends and family who will support us. A huge step in becoming fearless is to create a strong structure of support.
– fear is a natural emotion. If we feel it, get comfortable with it. Accept it. Embrace it. Get to know it. We’re getting to know ourselves when we accept fear along with all the other emotions we have.
– we can’t handle everything. Most things aren’t our responsibility to deal with. If we feel like we are spinning our wheels, we probably are, and it’s time to get off the bike.
– if we mess up, it’s a learning experience, not the end. It’s only the end if we decide it is. It’s only “bad” if we look at failure that way.
– we have internal truths that only we have access to, and can never really be expressed. Other people’s judgments of us never change that. Other people can only distract us from those truths, and only if we let them.

Being fearless requires that we know ourselves, face ourselves, and most importantly, trust ourselves. When we are fearless, we accept fear, we accept that things fall apart, and we move ahead anyway. The more often we do this, the more often we fail and recover, fail and recover, the more we learn how to be successful. It’s when we fail, and then lose ourself in that failure that we get stuck in fear, and it becomes our master.

In Deschooling Gently: A Step by Step Guide to Fearless Homeschooling, I talk some about these concepts in relation to the ins and out of daily homeschooling life. But these precepts are also true about life in general. Once we are fearless in homeschooling, it starts to trickle out into everything else.

Pema Chodron has two books on fearlessness that changed the way I think about myself and about dealing with difficult emotions and events: When Things Fall Apart and The Places that Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times. I invite you to seek these out. They might even be at your local library.

What are you afraid of? What is keeping you from being a fearless homeschooler, a fearless parent, and a fearless person? If you consider yourself fairly fearless, was it always like that?

Stumble It!

Everything Happens at Once

Have you noticed that life happens all at once? And once things start happening, it all just keeps adding up?

I’ve pretty much stopped focusing on the recent CA ruling, but the universe won’t let me ignore it. I’m getting requests for phone and TV interviews. I’m sure a lot of us are. I know pretty much anyone who is a volunteer in some capacity for HSC or CHN has received at least a call or two.

On top of that, we have several life things that are piling up. We STILL don’t have our pillows, or any idea if the hotel has found them. Our day is triple booked tomorrow, and my email box has over 300 messages that are waving at me, trying to get my attention.

That’s just some of what’s going on right now.

But I wonder, is it really all happening at once? Or does it just seem like it because there is so much frantic emotions flying around right now? Am I giving certain things too much attention?

I turned off my e-lists, reading them only in digest mode and I started deleting anything that has to do with the CA court case. It was almost as if I was keeping the emails as a way to have control over the situation. The truth is that I don’t have control of this situation at all. It is out of my hands. By reading every single email and replying to all the nay-sayers, I feel a modicum of control. But it gets to a point where the return is no longer worth the investment.

Same with my pillows. There will come a point where the angst of trying to get those pillows back will no longer be worth it, and it will simply be easier to get more pillows. The kids are attached to those pillows (and I am attached to mine), but is it so important that it’s worth spending days and weeks fighting for? Is any object that important?

My emails are important. But I have many other projects that are much more important than that. I have to draw the line somewhere. Time to start hitting the “delete” key liberally, and dealing with only the things that are really important.

The cool thing, is I have the choice. I can choose where to put my attention. Nobody is making me read emails or answer the phone. My freedom comes from being able to decide where my attention should be spent.

Our homeschooled kids are growing up with this kind of freedom – the ability to choose where to put their attention.

It’s important to have the freedom to choose to not pay attention to things. We need to be able to pick and choose our input, and to decide when the amount of energy needed compared to the benefit is just too much.

This is what happens when our kids check out – the benefit of their intense attention is not worth all the work that is necessary to maintain focus. When the benefit is clear, focus is much easier to attain. And best of all, it feels good. When intense focus starts to feel bad, it’s time to choose to not pay attention anymore, at least for a while.

So tonight, I decided to stop paying attention to the things that make me ungrounded. Spinning my wheels on something I can’t control (like the pillows, and a certain CA ruling) is crazy-making. Instead, I’m working on the things that move me forward. Right now, I am letting the universe take care of the things I can’t control, and focussing my attention on things that I can change.

Strangely, as I let go of the things I can’t change, I’m starting to unwind, and feeling like less is actually happening. Of course, it’s not true – everything is still happening. I’m simply choosing what to pay attention to, and by that, making it seem like less is happening. Amazing.

In addition, the world is not falling apart around me.

How much does our perspective on what’s happening effect the feeling of how overwhelmed we are? Have you ever been totally and completely busy, yet not at all overwhelmed? What is the element that defines whether or not we feel overwhelmed by events, or invigorated by them?

Learning About Termites the Hard Way

We had a termite infestation swarm today. Looks like termites have snuck into the walls of our house and created a little home for themselves. Now we have to fumigate.

The girls were the ones to discover the swarm. They were playing on the floor when they started screaming, “Mom! There’s a bug on the wall. No, there’s LOTS of bugs on the wall. And they have big wings!”

I have never in my life seen a termite. I knew that they eat houses and that when I see a house covered in a tent, it’s for the purpose of getting rid of them. But when I saw them, I thought they were flying ants.

So I called Terminix. They came out and verified that we indeed have termites. And they informed us that the de-termitification will cost a LOT of money.

Maybe there are benefits to learning things from books instead of from real life experience.

The up side? The Terminix guy gave us a bug-wheel, which the kids are now using to identify the various kinds of bugs we have seen in our house and backyard. It is an incredibly expensive bug classification project.
We can’t get the bug service until Saturday, so it looks like we’re on termite clean-up and maintenance duty until they get here. Any advice on how to manage the termites until the Terminix guys come to kill them all?

Songs by Geniuses Who Didn’t Belong in School

As we all know, school isn’t the best match for those who are highly creative. It’s no wonder, then, that many songs by talented artists express criticism of school. People of genius, and that includes musicians, don’t belong in school.

I was listening to some Paul Simon today, who is undoubtedly a musical genius, and heard this song, called Kodachrome.

Kodachrome – Words & music by Paul Simon

When I think back
On all the crap I learned in high school
It’s a wonder
I can think at all
And though my lack of edu—cation
Hasn’t hurt me none
I can read the writing on the wall

Kodachrome
They give us those nice bright colors
They give us the greens of summers
Makes you think all the worlds a sunny day, oh yeah
I got a Nikon camera
I love to take a photograph
So mama don’t take my kodachrome away

If you took all the girls I knew
When I was single
And brought them all together for one night
I know theyd never match
My sweet imagination
And everything looks worse in black and white

Kodachrome
They give us those nice bright colors
They give us the greens of summers
Makes you think all the worlds a sunny day, oh yeah
I got a Nikon camera
I love to take a photograph
So mama don’t take my kodachrome away

I wonder though, if kids of genius aren’t forced to go to school, where will they place their creative angst? And what would they write about? Perhaps geniuses need something to rebel against, to ignite that passionate spirit and to create amazing works of art? What do you think? Can a comfortable and happy genius still create inspired works of art?

Stumble It!

5 Ways to Get Organized, Deschooling Style

Raise your hand if you think one of the benefits of school is it keeps us organized. If you raised your hand, you aren’t alone. One of the biggest fears and frustrations about homeschooling is the daunting task of staying organized. Here are 5 tips to help you get and stay organized in a deschooled home education.

1. Pick 5 things that are the most important, then let the rest go. One of the problems with homeschooling is we have this idea that we have to do every little thing. And that everything we do has to be in order, on schedule and in compliance with the invisible homeschooling perfect mom criteria. All of this gets overwhelming, and then we either end up giving up altogether, or we kill ourselves trying to keep up. The truth is, very little matters so much that if we didn’t do it, our world would fall apart. And among those things that matter this much, our own fears are usually far worse than the reality of not doing what we “are supposed to.” So, pick 5 things that are the most important to keep organized, and then focus on those 5 things. If the other stuff gets done, excellent. It’s icing.

2. Get everyone involved in the organization program. Often times, homeschooling moms work super hard to get organized, only to have it all messed up by someone who isn’t on the same page about the organization system. When we get everyone involved in organization, we all have a vested interest in keeping things organized. My son’s room was a big mess. When I cleaned it myself, it got unclean again very quickly. At first, my way of getting him involved was to ask him to keep his room clean enough that I could make it to his bed in the middle of night to save him from a fire, without tripping over his toys or slipping on his clothes. He had a vested interest in me saving him in a fire, so he kept a path to his door clean. Then, one day, he had a sleepover with two of his cousins. I told him that his cousins wouldn’t be able to sleep in his room if his room wasn’t clean, and there wasn’t enough room in the living room for them all to fit. He really wanted them to sleep in his room, so he was motivated to clean it. We worked together (actually, that was mostly my husband and my son working together), to make his room more organized so the things on the floor would have a place. Overall, his room has stayed relatively organized, because he was voluntarily involved in the process of getting it together.

3. Make it a game. Instead of being a chore, organizing and cleaning can be a game. It can be any kind of game from “who can find the most Polly Pocket clothes” to “let’s see if we can find anything to sell at the garage sale this weekend ” to “Did you know we still had this?” (it becomes a game of who can find the most off-the-wall thing that we didn’t know we had.) I also make organizing a game for myself as well. My game is, ‘How much of the stuff on my desk can I throw away, give away or put on my husband’s desk?”

4. Have less stuff. The less stuff we have, the less we have to organize. If the idea of being organized is overwhelming, maybe the problem is that there really is too much to have to deal with. Reduce the amount we have to deal with, and suddenly, it becomes easier. Have a garage sale, give away books to the library, or give away to the local charity. If you’re having trouble organizing the “school” stuff in your lives, same thing holds true – maybe you’re doing too much. Do you REALLY need to have every single detail of a child’s learning be recorded? Does it matter exactly how often or how much time is devote to math or science? Are you putting too much importance on numbers and quantities, and how it might look from the outside? If we’re talking about not being organized enough to remember when to go to classes or forgetting about play dates, again, think about doing less, and let the kids help keep track of the stuff that they are interested in. It’s funny how the stuff we really want to do, we don’t have any trouble organizing that.

5. Get away from the house and do enjoyable or relaxing activities. Everything we are doing can seem very overwhelming when we are in the midst of it all. Toys, books, clothes, schedules, have-tos, dishes, everything… all that stuff is in the house. It’s daunting, taunting, and all around annoying. Getting away from the house gives us space to think about what’s really important. It also re-fills our energy tanks, so when we come home, we’re able to see our problems with new eyes, and renewed motivation. If you find that going out makes you tired, and not wanting to do anything when you get home, you still win, because at least while you were out, you didn’t make your house even less organized than it was before.

Everyone has a personal organization style. What’s your style? How do you get organized? What was your bigged issue? Did you figure out a way to get through it? If so, how?

Stumble It!

WWWDD?

What Would Wayne Dyer Do? Apparently, being a jerk is something he’d do.

A couple of days ago in a post about freedom, I quoted Wayne Dyer. His words made me think about my own children’s freedom, about the freedom I ask for myself, and the freedom I allow other people and things to take away from me.

I read the rest of his book, Pull Your Own Strings, and I found myself becoming less and less enchanted with Wayne Dyer’s idea of freedom. In the name of freedom, apparently, it’s perfectly OK, and even encouraged, to be a jerk.

You see, I learned from this book that there are people everywhere who want to victimize me. And little did I know that people are sneaky about it. And although he didn’t say it outright, women are the worst about it! Because women talk about things, and want to understand each other and get to know people. That’s apparently a trick to get people to be weak. Don’t let people do that to you, Wayne Dyer warns! They’re just trying to get you to say things about you so they can manipulate you!

At the apex of his two chapter long diatribe about how people use mind games to get at us, he proves his point by describing a parent who has learned not to be victimized. This parent asked his teen to take the trash out not once, but twice. He didn’t get mad, or beg his son to comply, or, God forbid, explain himself. He simply dumped the trash on the teen’s bed. The teen got the message that his dad couldn’t be manipulated or victimized.

What the hell?

I was livid after that example, but I calmed down and went ahead and finished the book anyway. After I put it down, and breathed a little, I reminded myself that before I reached the chapter on How to Be a Jerk How to Keep People From Manipulating You, I really liked what Wayne had to say.

He talked about how we can be trapped by our past. He described different ways of handling criticism. He talked about how we have a choice whether to be happy. He also went into how our own negative judgments of others are a voluntary way to victimize ourselves. Some of the examples he gave were spot-on and gave good tools for how we can choose to live more peacefully.

And I’ve read a couple other books by him as well, that had a lot of good to say. (I haven’t yet read “Your Erroneous Zones”.) Should I reject everything he’s said, or never read a book by him again, because of these two paranoia-inducing chapters?

No. I needed be OK with cherry picking.

Yesterday at church (OMG, Tammy goes to church! Shhh… don’t tell anyone), the speaker’s topic was about cherry picking. His cherry picking had to do with the bible. See, the church I go to doesn’t use the bible. In fact, there are some people in the congregation who really abhor the bible and anything to do with Christianity or religion at all. (There are others who are very Christian. A truly mixed group.)

Anyway, the speaker, Ross Blocher, said that even though there is a lot of violence and other passages in the bible that may not resonate with our beliefs, there is also lot of good to be found in it According to Ross, we shouldn’t reject the bible if we aren’t Christian (he isn’t Christian either), but rather to cherry pick the best parts and appreciate those parts for what they have brought us (while also having a critical mind for all of it).

Now, I might have just alienated my entire Christian audience, and I hope I haven’t. I don’t want this to be a discussion about religion. My point is that even though parts of Wayne Dyer’s attitude towards people makes me glad he’s not my friend or in my family, he does offer a lot of good ideas I can cherry pick and appreciate.

I’ve struggled with this idea because I couldn’t see how it could be done without being insincere or manipulative. I’ve been struggling with being able to appreciate people and things for the good parts in them while recognizing with equanimity that bad parts exist too. I have always felt like that if I say I “like” something, it’s a tacit approval of every single part of it. It’s either I support everything, or I support nothing. I don’t feel comfortable saying I like a speaker, a teacher, a book or a method, unless I like all of it. One wrong word, and it’s tainted everything else he or she has said or done in the past (and future).

Pretty limiting way of looking at things, isn’t it? If I keep going like this, I will never have any friends (because all people have faults), I will never be able to appreciate an author (because no writer is perfect), I will eventually run out of things to like at all (because all things eventually show “their true colors”). This idea that once someone or something has shown their “bad” side, I can no longer offer my appreciation, is just plain dumb. What’s the matter with me? Part of it is that for most of my life, I didn’t even realize I was doing it.

I think this idea of all or nothing is purpetrated in our society. A perfect example is our political attitudes. But we can also see it in how reluctant people are to accept homeschooling (or even to accept each other within the homeschooling community), or in family members who turn their backs on each other, or in people’s product loyalty (Can we say Apple vs. Microsoft?) Let’s not even get into the whole monster of “patriotism”.

I struggle with cherry picking when it comes to being a homeschooler, even. Because even though I support homeschooling, there are certain aspects to it that bother me. When some ugly part of homsechooling comes out, I start to feel that knee-jerk mental withdrawal. Almost as if I had been betrayed. In fact, a few weeks ago, I read an online discussion about homeschooling, and I was appalled by some of the comments my fellow homeschoolers made. And, to be honest, some of the non-homeschoolers in this particular discussion brought up some really astute points about the problems with homeschooling. For a while after I read the discussion, I wanted to just throw in the towel, and be done with it all. Of course, I can’t do that, because I have to pick some kind of educational process, so I continued on homeschooling.

And, on the flip side, even though I don’t send my kids to school, there are many things about school that I appreciate. If something good pops up about school, I it’s natural to push that information aside, to justify my continued negative attitude I’m “supposed” to have toward school.

It’s a long, slow process to learn to simply see. There is something to appreciate in every person. I am losing out when I push away ideas and people who have a lot of good, simply because I can’t see past the negative. I have already lost out on much because of that. I’m becoming increasingly aware of that.

In the end, I can decide to appreciate a person, a book, a theory, a perspective, a method, a political group, or even myself, without having to be what gamers call “a fan-boy”. I can cherry pick. I can’t tell you how much freedom I suddenly feel I have from this one simple idea that most people probably already “get”, but it took me a long time to finally allowed myself to accept.

Wayne taught me more by example, than by his words. By being a jerk, he taught me about how to be free.