Perfect Homeschooling, Curriculum Choice, and Regretting Decisions

A new homeschooling mom on our local list had some questions about tutors, curriculum, and generally freaking out because she can’t figure out the perfect way to get started because she’s afraid of regretting her decisions

I responded to her, and I thought I’d pass this along for those of you who are struggling with fear, regret, perfectionism, or self-doubt. Or, if you are interested in being a stronger, more resilient homeschooler, this post might interest you.

Dear “Alysa”,
I have been reading this thread with interest. After your last email, I thought of some things that might relate to your situation:

1) There is no way to make everything perfect. Letting go of that expectation now will go a long way in making life as a homeschooler, and as a parent, less stressful. Also, expecting things to be perfect is a great excuse for not taking any risks and avoiding responsibility. Own your decisions by knowing that every choice has a risk. Even choosing public school.

2) I understand about the idea about not wanting to regret your choices. The best way to not regret your choices is to understand two things: 1) That you ALWAYS have the option to change course. When you make a bad choice (and you will eventually, we all do), it’s not about the result of that choice that makes us who we are, but whether or not we have the resilience to stand up, dust off the dirt, learn from what we did, and move forward. If you know that you can recover from any choice, then making choices is easier, and more empowering. You’re also more likely to make good choices, because they will be made based on your integrity and love of life, not from fear. 2) You can’t possibly know whether a choice is going to be a good one or not until you’ve made it. Doing research is important. And listening to others’ with experience is also important. But in the end, the choice you make is yours to own. Even if other people might wag their finger at you and say “I told you so,” sometimes we have to make certain choices to really understand where to go next. Listen, absorb, then make a choice, and know that you have lots of other options available for you if that choice doesn’t pan out.

3) Tutors and curriculum: It’s obvious you are very very new to homeschooling. I say that because once you get involved in the homeschooling support groups, go to a couple conferences, subscribe to a few magazines, read a few books, and generally get some experience in the HSing world, you’re going to look around and say, “OMG, how can I possibly choose from everything there is to do???” and you’ll probably look back and laugh at yourself that you didn’t know how to get started with tutors/curriculum. Remember, there is NO rush to get started with these things except in your own mind. Wanting to have a handle on exactly who to follow, who to pay, and what path to take is like trying to hold on to the sand on the beach so as not to get swept away by the tide. It’s better to stand up and let the sand be there to make a sandcastle, not to save you. Tutors and curriculum are FINE. Use them, do them, but don’t let them be your master. Don’t rely on them to show you the way or to make you feel less panicky. They won’t. They will only be a baindaid for that fear. The fear doesn’t come from not having these things. Figure out where the fear is REALLY coming from, and the tutors/curriculum/classes and other concrete learning tools will be there for your enjoyment.

It’s totally normal to be hyper when you’re starting out something SO new, an interesting, and BIG, and fun, and scary, and all that. So, enjoy it. Sign up for everything, get really going. Then, when you feel yourself burning out, back out, do less stuff, and relax. Whether you start by relaxing or start by going into overdrive, you’re still doing a great job and learning about your role as a homeschooling parent.

In the end, there are only 3 things that matter for a child in today’s world of technology and global culture:

1) Relationships, relationships, relationships. This trumps everything. All the tutors and curriculum in the world cannot make up for relationship issues in the family. So, when making decisions, always choose to favor strengthening the relationship you have with your child.
2) Love and curiosity about the world. If a child has this, it doesn’t matter how much or what a child learns. A child who is in love with the world, and curious about it will succeed.
3) Knowing where information is. It’s not what you know, but who, where and when you know. If you know where to get info, that is a much more important skill than actually knowing things. In fact, knowing too many facts can give us the false impression that we don’t need to know any more. (This is part of why kids in school often don’t do a lot to study above and beyond what’s taught to them.) It’s important for people to know they don’t know everything, and that it’s not a life requirement to know it all. Having a strong grasp of available resources allows us to let go of feeling like we aren’t good enough because we don’t have all the president’s names and dates memorized like our cousin Sam does.

Good luck to you and enjoy your child. I hope you’ll come to the HSC conference. There you’ll find out more than you ever want or need to know about curriculum, tutors, and other things you can teach with. Until then, relax and enjoy your new life of freedom.

The 5 Love Languages of Homeschooled Children

According to Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, authors of The Five Love Languages of Children, speaking the right love language helps our children grow into responsible, happy adults.

I read this book a couple of weeks ago. I haven’t read the original 5 Love Languages, yet. So the concept, although I had heard of it before, was relatively new to me.

These are the five love languages. Which ones do your children respond to? What about you?

#1 Physical Touch: Hugs, kisses, rough housing, pats on the back, hair ruffle, these are all different ways to love through physical touch. My kids get a hug and a kiss every morning, and one every night. We’re all physical in this family. That isn’t too hard to make sure we get enough of. But our littlest one, this is by far her favorite love language. Hubby likes this one too.

#2 Words of Affirmation: Saying, “I love you”, (appropriate) praise, acknowledgment, personal notes, telling other people that we like them, there are many ways to use words to show our love. My middle child is the one who, out of the 5 of us, particularly appreciates this kind of love.

#3 Quality Time: Doing things together, helping kids with their projects, having conversations, going out one on one, being together with the people we love is invigorating to some, and suffocating to others. For those who prefer this love language, being together feels really good. This is my primary love language.

#4 Gifts: This is the love language that is the easiest to offer, but the hardest to show our true sincerity. It’s easy to use a gift as a replacement for real showing of love. But done right, with a person who speaks this language, it can mean a lot. This is my mom’s and my mother-in-law’s primary language.

#5 Acts of Service: Helping with the dishes, doing a chore so that our loved one doesn’t have to, making our loved one’s lives easier by going out of our way, this is the love language called “acts of service.” I think this kind of showing of love is more natural for women than for men. What do you think?

Chapman and Campbell assure us that most of us speak all 5 languages. And our children deserve to be loved in all 5 different ways. It’s also normal for kids, and adults, to shift their languages, and come to prefer a different language than they used to. So it’s important to keep using all 5 languages regularly, while keeping in mind which ones the people we love prefer. That way, when they don’t respond to us, it’s not a rejection of us, we just know that we aren’t speaking their language.

What do you think of the 5 love languages? Do you think homeschooling effects the way we speak love to each other?

Checking Our Family’s Email - Is It OK?

One of my guilty pleasures is reading WifeAdvice, a blog where a married couple debates and comments on various marital practices. It’s kind of silly, kind of snarky, and often insightful.

Todays post asks, “Is it OK to read your spouse’s email or text messages?”

I have my own answer. But I’d like to ask you a bigger question:

“Is it OK to read any family member’s email or text messages?”

Are the rules different for kids and spouses? Why or why not?

My kids aren’t old enough to have email or do text messaging. They use my email address and phone when they do. But the day will come. I’m curious what you all have to say on the matter.

5 Homeschool Must-haves for 2008

I don’t do New Year’s resolutions. But I do like to reassess my life and make adjustments when the time is right. Jan 4th is a great time to reassess; the holidays are over, it’s almost time to start classes again, and I have a huge deadline in a couple of days. So yes, it’s time to get my head on straight (again) and move forward.

5 things in 2007 made a difference for me. And for 2008, they will be must-haves for our homeschooling success.

1) A place to work. I’m not super neat, although I like clean spaces. And I’m not obsessed with keeping the house organized, although I am comforted by knowing where things are. The one thing that keeps us sane, is having one clean space where we can do our projects. If we can have 3-4 clean spaces, even better. It worked well in 2007 to focus on the key points in the house that need to be clean, and letting the rest go.

2) My own hobbies. It may not seem like having my own hobbies is important for homeschooling. But in 2007, the times I was anxious, nervous, or over-worried about my kids were the times that I felt like I had no purpose. Scrutinizing my kids became my purpose. The times I had my hobbies in order, and felt like I had my own meaning, I was a better parent, a better teacher, and our homeschooling was overall more effective.

Case in point: I’ve been learning about social networking and social bookmarking. I’m pretty tech savvy, but this is giving me quite a bit of a challenge. There is just so much to know. I feel like there’s a wall that I have to get over. Once I’m over it, it’ll all make sense. It’s so important that I go through this, because with this experience, I am reminded what my kids feel like when they are learning something new. What they really need during this time isn’t for me to try and pull them over the wall. It’s a whole lot easier to help someone get a foothold and boost them over the wall when they want to do it, than it is to carry dead weight over it. I didn’t learn about social networking before now because I didn’t want to. My husband tried, but I wouldn’t budge. Now, I’m willing to put the effort in, and every little boost is welcome.

My own hobbies = understanding how to help my kids better.

3) A hug in the morning and a hug at night. This is a ritual I promised myself I’d do when my kids were born. First thing in the morning - a hug. Last thing at night - a hug. 2007 was a great year for that. I did slide here and there because of being sick, or falling asleep before the kids did, or being grumpy. Overall, it was a good habit. The morning hug is like a reset button for the day. The nighttime hug helps us all sleep better. Being close is our number one priority. 2008 will be another year of hugs and love.

4) Tape, paint, paper, pencils, markers, marbles and paper towel rolls. We’re fans of pre-fab activities and projects. But nothing gets a workout like the random open-ended materials we have on hand. 2007 was pretty good with that. So I’d like to do even more with this. Maybe even get a big clear box, that can hold lots of small boxes, each with a different kind of material to use. Glue, paint and other messy things will be in a separate box. All of the working materials in the big box. And have it near our clean space. What do you think - which cheap open-ended material could I store in there? The possibilities are endless!

5) Free time. Scheduled time is easy to come by and easy to manage. It’s the free time that we all need more of, and we all need to (continue to) learn how to enjoy. Time is a commodity that we can never have more of. Asking for more time is like asking for the moon. All we can do is rearrange the time we have, choosing to spend it in different ways. Free time is when I get to work on those hobbies, in my clean space, while giving the kids hugs. Free time doesn’t happen on its own, we gotta make it happen.

2008 is going to be great! Equipped with these five homeschooling must-haves, we’re ready to have a fantastic year.

Stumble It!

Video Games Are Not the Issue

Did your kids get a video game system for the holidays? Did they spend hours and hours playing those new systems?

The topic of video games is a hottie! One the one side, we have the “limit screen time” crew, with all the various reasons. On the other we have “don’t set limits”.

This is the wrong discussion to be having. Video game success doesn’t depend on whether we set time limits or not.

This is where I stand on the video game thing - everything in moderation. (Even moderation.) I love video games, my husband does too and the kids do. We love a lot of other things too. Our position on the video game issue doesn’t even place us on the ’set limits-don’t set limits’ measuring stick.

Because, most of the video game issues aren’t even about video games.

If we didn’t do anything else, the kids would play video games all day. If we didn’t do anything else, they’d run around the house all day. If we didn’t do anything else, they’d play in the back yard all day in the mud. There are a lot of things they’d do all day if we did nothing else. Here’s the solution: we do so many different kinds of things, it doesn’t matter if there is something that they would do all day if we did nothing else, because we are too busy to have time to spend all day doing one thing. That’s not the reason we do lots of things, but it’s a side effect.

Kids arguing over video games is one of reasons parents get frustrated with them. But arguing about video games isn’t any different than arguing over board games, or sports, or sharing paints. If the kids are at a point where they can’t deal, it’s time to change gears for a bit, and come back to it later. Kind of like a mom who finds herself screaming at her kids needs some time out with girlfriends or some centered time dealing with her baggage (hey, so maybe I’m speaking from experience here What she doesn’t need is a self-imposed limit to 1hr a day with her kids or her kids to be taken away so she won’t yell at them.

Video games or no video games, it doesn’t matter to me. But it doesn’t make sense to blame the box, when people are arguing and yelling at each other. It’s not the game’s fault. There’s something else going on.

I want to share a story about my personal experience with video games, as a player.

My husband and I used to play a lot of video games together. When the babies were little, I’d nurse them while running my character around in Everquest, making money so that my husband could go on raids and buy “l33t” gear. It was this family thing we did together.

There was a turning point, where I realized that the kids were getting old enough that they couldn’t join us (because we didn’t have enough computers), and they weren’t happy just sitting on our laps while we played anymore. So I started playing board games with them during that time instead, and my husband still played EQ. A lot. What used to be a very social game for us, turned into an isolated one from my perspective.

But it was a hard call, because my husband’s friends were all in the game. Before, he could be with his family and his friends at the same time. And, he really enjoyed playing. (And, to be honest, it was hard for me too. I wanted to play, and had to make daily decisions on whether or not I was going to.)

Over time, we’ve made many adjustments so that my husband can play with his friends, but he still spends time with us playing board games, or other video games that we can all play together. Some games we’ve played were single-player games, where we rooted each other on, and took turns. Other games, we’d all play at once (can you say Rock Band? OMG).

It’s not the video games that was the issue. It was US, trying to deal with our own personal needs to 1) spend time with family, 2) spend time alone and 3) spend time with friends. And get it all worked out. That was our issue - I could have easily blamed EQ for all of our problems - it’s addictive or it never ends or it takes my hubby from our family. But because I had played for a long time myself before, I could understand that this issue wasn’t so black and white. It was not about the game. It was about figuring out why we play, balancing our time and understanding everyone’s needs.

Today, I don’t play video games very often anymore. I spend a lot of time writing and reading instead. This takes a lot of concentration and often it has to be done in isolation. I get grumpy when people interrupt me when I’m concentrating. I think about my writing a lot when I’m not writing. I get frustrated when I can’t say something the way I want to. These are all very similar feelings to what I hear about kids playing video games. But for me, it’s writing. Should I stop writing? Limit myself to a certain amount of time? Or should I just let myself write as long as I need to the exclusion of everything else? There’s a balance to be had. I write as much as I can squeeze in. When I’m frustrated, I take a break.

When I see my kids frustrated at video games, or legos or board games, I think of that. I think of how I feel when I’m writing. And try to help them find solutions where they can still do the things they love, and have tools to deal with the frustration that comes along with being passionate about something.

Stumble It!

MIT Courseware for High Schoolers and Teachers/Parents

MIT has had its college level open courseware available for a while. Now, they are introducing a new set of online self-paced courses for the high schooler, or adults who would like to brush up on high-school level material.

Unparenting and Unschooling

From a comment I posted on this blog. (As always, if you comment, please be respectful.)

The term “unparenting” is often used in inappropriate contexts when related to unschooling. If a parent is there and engaged with their child in some way, it’s parenting of some kind or another. It can’t be unparenting. It might be extremely relaxed parenting, but it’s still parenting.

The only thing that constitutes unparenting is when a parent is not there, and not engaged at all.

Seems to me, that this is a much bigger problem with kids who go to school than kids who are unschooled. How can a parent parent when their kids aren’t even there?

Unschooling doesn’t mean walking away and letting a kid do things without parental support; it’s the opposite - letting a kid be who they are and do what they do best with parental support securely in place. Unschooling means not basing a child’s education on school, which has a very specific and directed process. Just like a parent who uses negotiation and understanding to deal with bickering children is unangering, or unyelling. Anger and yelling aren’t the only way to deal with children bickering, just as school isn’t the only way to learn.

So, extreme unschooling isn’t unparenting, just as extreme unyelling isn’t unmediating.

Surprising Truths We Learn From Our Children

Arun over at the parenting pit is celebrating his one year blog anniversary. Happy Blog Birthday Arun!

To celebrate this milestone, he lists five things his kids have taught him (with some cute pictures).

He asked us to write about the things our kids have taught us. Here are my 5 things:

1) The value of stopping and appreciating earthworms from time to time.

2) For the most part, they need role models more than they need teachers.

3) Never underestimate the power of a kid brain. Like my son says, “Sometimes, kids know more than adults.”

4) If you don’t like how things are going right now, wait 10 minutes, and it’ll be different. Same goes for learning and interests - just because they aren’t into it today, don’t mean they’ll never be into it. Take fairies for example. My 6 year old - has had this anti-fairy thing going on for a while (anti-girly-girl heroines). Suddenly, she’s into fairies. Because she found a book about tinkerbell. Who, is not a girlygirl.

5) Lastly, they have taught me what it really means to unconditionally love someone. Before they came around, I had no idea what that was like.

Homeschoolers in Maryland - What the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks Is Going On?

There is legislation on the table in Maryland that would take parents to court and force them to vaccinate their children for CHICKEN POX and HEPATITIS B, or else they are going to be put in jail.

I’m on the fence about vaccinations. But this just ruffles my tail feathers. This is not polio we’re talking about. Or measles and mumps. This is chicken pox and Hep B.

Where are the checks and balances for the power of the “health” department? Did the people who work in the health department miss their classes on critical thinking and American civics? Who is really pushing this legislation? Maryland - please tell me this is being overhyped and it’s not as bad as it seems.

Update: Here’s a website with information about how you can take action.

Hot Homeschoolin’ Mamas or More Thoughts on Feminist Homeschooling

Here’s a topic that doesn’t get talked about much - chic homeschool mamas.

My good friend, Elizabeth, is a hot homeschoolin’ mama. She’s attractive, is fashionable and is, in some ways, glamorous (in other ways, earthy).

But, there’s something about her that makes her different than the other chic mamas I know. She’s chic and attractive, but she’s not obsessed about it. She’s found a balance between being comfortable in sweats, and wearing a form fitting dress. I think what really shows is that she likes her body, in an honest, down to earth way. She treats it well, dresses it well and is comfortable in her skin.

She’s an awesome role model for me. She reminds me that it’s OK to be beautiful and love our bodies without being superficial. It’s not pandering to commercialism to look nice on a regular basis. I don’t have to ignore how I look to avoid being sucked into obsessing about how I look.

I think it’s OK to be a hot homeschoolin’ mama. When I say “hot”, I mean one of those women that give off the clear message that they are comfortable with their bodies, with themselves and aren’t afraid to be a woman. They don’t have to wear dresses or wear lots of make up. That’s not what makes a woman chic. It’s an attitude of “I’m a woman, and it’s great.”

I suppose this delves into feminism a bit, which is a topic I’ve been thinking about a lot. Feminism in the context of being married, of being a mom and of being a homeschooler. I think they overlap, but there are different issues.

Being a “mom” or a “homeschooler” doesn’t mean we have to give up our feminine side. In fact, the more women I meet, the more I think that it’s absolutely important that we hold on to that. To embrace who we are as women.

I have never seen one particular friend wear make up. She wears jeans and a t-shirt usually. It looks fine on her, fits her personality. Well, the other day, she was wearing make up (not a lot, just a touch), had on a non t-shirt (still jeans) and flat sandals. These little touches made a huge difference. She was still the same person, but she had this glow about her. Like she was proud of how she looked, and who she was. She just seemed… together. It was partly her makeup and all that… but that was because she embraced her feminine side and showed a certain amount of pride in her presence that made a difference. I don’t know what prompted her change of appearance, but whatever it was, she looked fabulous.

These little changes were more “feminist” in my estimation than a complete makeover. They weren’t over the top. Not overly done. Barely even noticable to one who wasn’t paying attention. She was balanced.

I don’t wear a lot of makeup and I have a boyish hair cut. But I have the tell-tale hips of a woman, and other attributes that are not at all masculine. I used to hide behind black, loose clothes. I used feel that the only way to be attractive was to be thin and able to wear the latest fashions. I had accepted that was never going to be me, so I was OK just how I was. So, to deal with that reality, I turned away from my body and ignored it. I couldn’t reconcile my idea of what a woman should look like, and my own femininity.

Then, over time, I found my balance. I found a hair cut that is cute, sexy and strong all at once. A set of clothing that shows off my feminine side, but is also simple and easy to choose in the morning. My make up is there, accentuating my favorite parts, but most people say that I don’t look like I have any make up on. (They may be able to notice if they see me in the morning when I wake up I found physical activities that make me feel strong and flexible (yoga and running, and in the past strength training and step aerobics). I learned how to recognize the positives in my emotions and empathetic tendencies (although, I admit, still working on that one.)

When I found my balance, I had an “ah-ha” moment. THIS is what it means to be strong woman. Not being more like a man. Not being non-feminine or “neutral”. Not sacrificing my looks and personal strengths because I’m in a mom role now. Being a homeschooler doesn’t mean I need to give up myself and my womanhood.
It’s not just about being a “woman”. It’s about being me. Wherever that lands me. Sometimes that lands me in an arena that is commonly filled with men (online video games, philosophy) and sometimes it’s in an arena usually populated by women (Tupperware, horoscopes, online chatting). And very often in areas that are mixed. Wherever I am, I’m still me.

And that’s what being a hot homeschoolin’ mama is about. Not being afraid to be a woman, yet not being trapped by being a woman either. When you meet a homeschoolin’ mama like this, it’s obvious. You know who I’m talking about. We all have friends who fall in this category. And these are the women who are role models to us all.